Reviver by Seth Patrick

Sometimes Jonah Miller hated talking to the dead.

Great first line. Maybe not the most original in the world, but then whose are these days, now that 80 billion plus brains have thought upon this earth since the beginning of thinking? And that's not including dolphins.

Yet there's a twist: That first line is not a metaphor. It is literal, which makes it a little more original than originally thought.

The woman's ruined corpse lay against the far wall of the small office. The killer had moved her from the center of the room; she had been dragged to the back wall and left propped up, slouched with her head lolled to one side.

This is how crime novels should start, with a crime, and not with some troubled detective character drowning in a bottle of cliche angst or with cute verbiage and even cuter sunscapes. With a crime comes questions. No mincing words here. The crime and description are gruesome and warns the reader of what to expect. Mood and tone established while plot races forward.

But what else do you expect from an author publishing his first book? He/she has to make their opening lines work. No space for word cream floating on the top of a  previous-body-of-work latte. First time authors make their sentences work their butts off.

First thing said:

"She's here."

Meaning that by page 3 Jonah has revived the mutilated corpse of a murder victim, and it starts talking...


Verdict: Cool (I want more)

Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht

Taking Eve by Iris Johansen

He was ready.

Ah, an allusion to Shakespeare: The readiness is all. No, but seriously, another book that begins with a pronoun? Who here thinks pronoun is a portmanteau for professional noun? Is there a sale on pronouns somewhere someone didn't tell me about? The advertising slogan reading: Pronouns add mystery, intrigue and ambiguity to any story, leaving any reader confused, aching for more.

Jim Doane drew a deep breath as he locked the front door of the small cedar house behind him. All the searching and planning was at an end, and now it was time to put the plan into action.

This second paragraph raises questions like what plan? Unfortunately, the author refuses to reveal and instead tries to milk her plot for every word it's worth - to create suspense? Sadly, I'm not really trembling with suspense here. Then we have a POV switch:

Soon, Kevin. I know it's been a long time.

I assume that's Jim thinking.

First thing said:

"Doane, wait."

Which means we wait and the plot takes a coffee break while characters stand around at the beginning of their novel and chat about house-sitting and how wonderful children are. If you read the blurb this kind of makes sense, but I'm not supposed to tell you that because I'm not supposed to be reading the blurbs when reviewing novel openings, but I had to because I hate being confused. Oh, and do people still call people they know by their last names, Holmes? No, Watson, they don't.

The only thing this opening has going for it is that there's no prologue.

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht

A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki

Hi!

This counts as the first line of the book. It sets tone, though is misleading. Is this the beginning of a coloring book with Mr. Tip? Next line:

My name is Nao, and I am a time being.

This works. Time being. Sounds interesting. I read on.

Do you know what a time being is? Well, if you give me a moment, I will tell you.

This sentence sounds like something someone on Sesame Street would say. The second assumes the readers are stupid and don't know. Very patronizing. Do you know what that means? Let me show you. Next paragraph.

A time being is someone who lives in time, and that means you, and me, and everyone of us who is, or was, or ever will be.

Ha-ha, good one. Roll eyes. Basically, she says time beings are people. What a letdown. Buddhist wit fail. It reminds me of Austin Powers:

Powers: "Hey, there you are."
Man: "Do I know you?"
Powers: "No, but there you are!"

What follows is a conversation the narrator is having to her/himself about you (me), the reader. Not sure for what effect the writer was going for, breaking the fourth wall like that. It really does read like a picture book. Perhaps that was the plan. Though it's not for little kids; that's obvious when the narrator starts wondering about the reader's sex life. It's all so confusing and complicated - it's hard to know what is intended.

Verdict: Fail.

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

Crash by Guy Haley

It is in the interest of mankind, not simply of those of us fortunate to be burdened with the task of wealth creation and prosperity maintenance, to step outside the bounds of our solar cage, and commence the great adventure that has awaited our kind since the first time a man raised his eyes to the stares.

This comes from a speech that was given in 2153.

In the wake of the financial collapses of the early 21st century, living standards dropped across what was then termed the 'developed world,' in essence those states of Europe and their former colonies where the original inhabitants had been extirpated and a European society established...

This is an excerpt from a banned lecture. A lot of big words here, but after all, it is a lecture.

Finally the..um....prologue:

At first, Dariusz Szczecinski was dead, then he was not.

This is effective; it raises questions, conflict and a character, literally, so it seems. Too bad about the speech and lecture at the beginning.

Chapter one or part one finally begins:

Let's take a closer look at one of the star systems.

And thus begins an astronomy lesson.

First thing said:

"We've landed end on, and at an angle."

What's said next is more interesting:

"I don't know why you bother, we're all dead anyway."

Verdict: Pass (barely)

Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht

Robert B. Parker's Damned if You Do by Michael Brandman

Jesse Stone was sprawled out on the back porch love seat, having finished the last of his coffee, waiting for the caffeine to kick in.

Next paragraph is a weather report. Weather hooks only idiots...and birds.

His cell phone rang, and he reached over and picked it up.

"We've got a body Jesse. Surf and Sand motel. It's bad"

We've got a body and a crime, though for a mystery/crime novel that is not novel, but at least this is all on the very first page. I like this technique. There are many mystery novels that begin at the crime scene. As soon as page two, we get a description of the crime scene, but it doesn't seem as bad to me as it did to whoever said: It's bad. I guess I'm just jaded when it comes to fictional crimes.

The first line fails to deliver anything of importance, but the writer quickly comes to a murder that is the stuff crime novels are made of.

Verdict: Pass (barely)

Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht

Empire and Honer by W.E.B. Griffin

Prologue

When the Edificio Libertador was built (1935-1938) to house the headquarters of the Argentine army, known as the “Ejercito Argentino,” the twenty-story structure was the largest building ever constructed in Argentina.

This does not sound like the beginning of a story but rather the beginning of an encyclopedia entry. This is to establish setting, but I prefer to know first the story about to unfold. Joining plot and setting together seems like a lost art these days. Why read X number of words and pages about a place only to find that once the story starts, it stinks? And that is what happens here. The first page is about this building. Page two is a history rundown about World War II. Not bad if you need to prepare for a history exam.

Chapter 1 and first thing said:

“Let me have a look please,” SS-Brigadefuhrer Ludwig Hoffmann said...

They are looking at something from the periscope of a submarine and the war is just over. Inserted back story is pumped into the opening chapter, causing the forward story line to stall and backfire as it desperately tries to take flight. 

An SS officer doing his business after the war intrigues and hooks many, but it's the prologue that once again ruins the enjoyment of opening this book.

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely, 

Theodore Moracht

And the Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini

So, then.

Um, not giving us much to work with Hosseini, baby.

So then.
So...then.
So then....
So - then.
So, then!
So - then!
So, then?

So, then there are many ways to rewrite this all important opening line, but none of them really improve upon the original. So then I'm stumped.

You want a story and I will give you one.

Okay, so then can we hurry it up? Anytime soon, within the next paragraph would be great.

But just the one.

You're losing me. I opened the book, didn't I? So then why are you being such a tease?

Don't either of you ask me for more.

I'll be happy with one if you ever get around to starting!

It's late, and we have a long day of travel ahead of us, Pari, you, and I.

Oh, I get it. So then you aren't talking to me? So then am I supposed to be reading this novel to a three-year old? For some reason, I hear Jiminy Cricket's voice saying these lines. So, then paragraph two starts with:

Once upon a time...

...I stopped reading.

So, then:

Verdict: Fail.

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird