Don't Want to Miss a Thing by Jill Mansell

It was almost midnight and Dexter Yates was in bed with his girlfriend when his phone burst into life.

This would be cool if this were about a phone that came to life and started killing people because it had gone insane after being exposed for so long to people talking nonsense about useless things, droning on about nonsense forever. I know I would lose it.

Alas, this is nothing more than the bed setting cliche and phone call opening cliche colliding.

The rest of the paragraph goes like this:

Possessed of lightning reflexes, she grabbed it off the bedside table before he could reach it himself.

Then the next paragraph is all of one sentence:

Honestly, some people were so mistrustful.

The use of past tense here makes it sound like people were mistrustful but aren't now.

First thing said:

"It says Laura."

The girl asks who the Laura is who's calling Dexter but Dexter, heroically refuses to say. Why this is heroic, is beyond me, I mean it's not like the guy whipped out his Excalibur and slayed a freckled dragon or anything. Instead he says, "Someone an awful lot nicer than you."

Quite the nasty thing to say to a girl while in bed, but some guys are just expressive that way, I guess. Anyway, the scene is about Dexter learning that his sister just had a baby. So the writing is structured in such a way to make the story sound more interesting than it is. So kudos to the writer for that.

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht

The Accidental Bride by Christina Skye

It was a beautiful wedding.

Preamble.  But wait there is a point to this rather nondescript opening line. Read on:

The groom got sick. The bride overslept. The best man was a dog.

See what the author did here? OMG, LOL!!!! You just know this is going to be, like, so totally jocular and laughable. The quirkiness of the wedding continues, but I skipped the rest of this prologue until the end to find out if there was something actually beautiful about the wedding, or if this novel begins with sarcasm, which rarely hooks me. Read it yourself if you are dying to know.

The third paragraph:

And the day had barely begun.

There's more craziness? Be still my beating heart. Too bad about starting a sentence and a paragraph with a conjunction that's been forced into an unnatural act as a failed conjunctive adverb.

Chapter 1:

Arizona
One month earlier

The restaurant kitchen was a scene right out of World War III.

No one knows what World War III looks like, though I googled it and it could look like anything from this to this.  Therefore, making a comparison to something that doesn't exist is ineffectual. Making such comparisons is like making a comparison to how a Pintian from the Planet Googg in the 34V2th century of the 30th era ruled by the three-headed Hyper-Moodian and a Half would write to those on Earth. That is to say, why compare something to something that doesn't exist? To provide a simile (to appease English teachers?) that's only purpose is to explore absurd hyperbole devoid of meaning to establish tone? Fortunately, the author explains what a scene from World War III would look like:

Pots churned, grills smoked and a dozen harried workers danced to avoid each other. It was cramped, hot and noisy - one step away from chaos.

So World War III will look like kitchen workers dancing? Suddenly the future seems so bright.

The opening page goes on to explain that Jilly couldn't be happier managing this busy kitchen before continuing that sometimes she hated it being so successful and busy. Does this character have multiple-personality disorder? No! She prefers the kitchen life to the shmoozing life. So why not hire a hostess and work in the kitchen then? Because she has a chef who does the cooking, and I'm sure that person is ready to snap and go berserk with Jilly going back there and choreographing the kitchen workers' dance.

At this point I have a question, not about this novel of course, as there is no conflict that raises any questions in the opening sentences; rather, why do romance novels sometimes start with food and trifling human discord? My theory is that the happy ending is human accord on a full tummy. That is the happily ever after. For men, it's love, a steak and a beer; for women, it's love, a glass of wine and a chocolate souffle. Without yummy-yummy, there's no lovey-dovey.

First thing said:

"Are you ready?"

Verdict: Fail

The worst thing about this opening is not the fact it is ridiculously written, but that people will think it isn't ridiculous and will actually be hooked. This kind of mental degeneration may actually closer resemble WW III than dancing kitchen workers. But I hope I'm wrong.

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

Gifted and Talented by Wendy Holden

Isabel stared out of the train window.

In this opening line there is nothing but a name and a window. No conflict here, it's not even dramatic. It is not special, odd, or out of the ordinary. So this line is an epic fail and will hook no one except people called Isabel and window cleaners - and that's being optimistic or even naive. The next line:

The English fields flashed by, sometimes with cows in, sometimes sheep, sometimes nothing but a couple of troughs or an oak tree with russet-leaved branches.

This line is setting and contains errors in parallel structure. The cows are in what? And why aren't the sheep in too? Then the final paragraph of this spectacularly boring paragraph:

Beneath the surface of the fields the ancient plough and furrow pattern rippled like the sea.

How can plough patterns be beneath the surface of a field? Are they not what would define the surface of the field, or am I missing something?

The first sentence of the second paragraph:

Isabel glanced at the man and woman opposite.

Opposite what, the field? The cows? Or could it be that they are opposite her? Readers will need to rely more on their brains and powers of inference to figure out what is going on rather than on the writer's writing abilities. There are many more examples of poor sentence structure in this work that would get a C or D in any middle school program.

Emotion is expressed, funnily enough by characters blinking hard. They do a lot of hard blinking.

First thing said:

"Every room's got central heating and there's a laundry and kitchen at the end of every corridor."

As this is a romance novel, proper syntax and clarity is obviously not necessary when it comes to expressing the flavors of the heart.

Verdict: Epic Fail

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

Top Secret Twenty-One by Janet Evanovich

I was perched on a barstool in a dark, noisy,overpriced restaurant in Princeton, New Jersey.

So what should come next? Why is this person perched in a dark, noisy,overpriced restaurant? Who is perched in a dark, noisy,overpriced restaurant? Perhaps introduce conflict? We don't need conclusions that would ruin or give away the rest of the story, just some reason to care that someone is perched on a barstool. Instead we get:

I was wearing a red dress that was too tight, too short, and cut way too low.

As this novel is part of a series I assume this has some significance that only those familiar with the series will understand. If not, it is a mere cliched fashion statement, objectifying and demeaning women. In any case its esoteric symbolism is lost on a newbie. The first paragraph ends with:

And I was wearing an earbud that connected me to a guy named Ricardo...

This is the first hint of conflict and a reason to care: someone is about to go down, suggesting that this pronoun is undercover or on a stakeout. Ending the paragraph with something important is fine and is a sign of good paragraph writing, but as this is the opening, the opening sentence should have the spotlight, not the end. It is the only paragraph in a story where the emphatic emphasis rule of writing (end strong) doesn't apply.

Then we get the Hardy Boys' backs story/marketing plug that begins with:

My name is Stephanie Plum.

Not long after we get some explanation regarding the situation. She is helping Ricardo stalk an untouchable and bring him in by sipping a drink, which needs explaining all in itself. The writer or narrator obviously doesn't trust that everyone knows the ins and outs of Sambuca.

First thing said:

"The room is clean."

Despite a little dilly-dallying to establish the tone - that working girl with attitude chick-lit tone, a scene unfolds with a little conflict, as an arrest is made. But it's not a really interesting scene, for once you've read one arrest, you've read them all. In fact, there are only a couple ways an arrest can go down - peacefully or violently. Neither are really that interesting to read about. They are fun to watch live though, film and post to YouTube.

Once the arrest is made, the plot dissipates as Stephanie goes back to her drink and wallows in the advances of Ricardo (no need for a description of Ree-CAAAAAR-Do; the name says it all.), as this turns into one of those romances, filled with melodrama, sentiment, corniness and innuendo before finishing up with a sort of twisted and satisfied sexual frustration that only White America is capable of.

So this opening has no mystery or puzzle or reason to care for the characters. Of course, as this is part of a series, the author assumes her fans are already hooked. That is all well and fine, but how to get new readers interested in a book, or in its series? If there is no hook that makes each novel stand out on a bookshelf in a store, can one rely on the byline hook to pull in new readers? I suspect so. It's the byline that sells, not the quality of the work. In a hundred years or even less, this junk will not be read - assuming the Theory of Evolution is not a theory. The only reason it's read now is that it's riding a marketing wave. With a byline and title inundating the market, powered by a nuclear PR engine, some poor saps will succumb and buy out of curiosity, some will buy out of habit because they lack the will to try something different, and some will buy because they are mindlessly addicted to the series, like people who can't stop scratching skin infected with ringworm or picking their nose. That is to say, as horrible as it is, it's kind of pleasant.

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

Lick by Kylie Scott

I woke up on the bathroom floor. 

Setting with conflict that raises a question: Why wake up on the bathroom floor? The answers to the question, however, are rather limited, and honestly don't interest me much. Others might be hooked, and there are certainly worse beginnings then this, but it's a pretty standard opening especially once it's explained that the narrator had a wild night of drinking irresponsibly. However, this gets the bed opening cliche because the novel begins with someone waking up after making a bed of the floor. But points for not waking up in an actual bed.

Everything hurt. My mouth felt like garbage and tasted worse. 

How can a person's mouth feel like garbage? And what garbage are we supposed to imagine: Plastic? Organic waste? Glass? Rags? And tasted worse than what? Plastic? Moldy bread? Similes are nice but they need to be precise to be effective at creating an image, which is what they are used for. In this case saying her mouth tasted like garbage is as general as saying her mouth tasted bad. Yawn.

What the hell had happened last night? 

I don't know. You tell me.

The last thing I remembered was the countdown to midnight and the thrill of turning twenty-one, legal at last. I'd been dancing with Lauren and talking to some guy. Then BANG!

Tequila.

Yes, bang, tequila. Bang, bang!

First thing said:

“You okay?” a voice enquired, male, deep, and nice. Really nice. A shiver went through me despite my pain. My poor broken body stirred in the strangest of places.

Okay, got it.

Did you know that the title is a pun? That should tell us something about the level of creativity to expect in this one.

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

The Bridges of Madison County by Robert James Waller

There are songs that come free from the blue-eyed grass, from the dust of a thousand country roads.

I think the author is confusing poetry for prose. In the next sentence we get the rather haughty statement that this story before us is a song that came free from the blue-eyed grass - whatever that means. This is artsy-fartsy at its loudest.

It goes on with some unknown narrator talking about this story and how he came across it with plenty of back story and description. The most exciting thing that happens on these opening pages is that ink spilled onto the paper. Insomniacs- we have your cure here!

Chapter 1:

Robert Kincaid

On the morning of August 8, 1965, Robert Kincaid locked the door to his small two-room apartment on the third floor of a rambling house in Bellingham, Washington.

The first chapter is titled with the name of the person who is then promptly mentioned in the opening line. Sounds a little redundant. Anyway, so this is the inciting event. A character is leaving his home and going somewhere, presumably to the plot of the book. In any case, it is a fairly unremarkable sentence, though in its defense, it does provide some useful data, like a name, a date and a town.

First thing said:

"I might get a dog then."

This Robert says to the setting around him, in other words, he's taking to himself, which I think reveals something about the character, which is something dialogue should do. The earlier the better.

The opening of this short novel (there are toilet paper rolls that are longer) reads more like a series of snapshots than a series of events - which is, when you get down to it, what a story is.

Honestly, I kept reading this to find out what all the fuss is about, and even though it is a very short book, a novella really, to this day, years later, I have never finished it, and as you can see from the verdict below, I never will. I would rather lick a brick.

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

Born in Chains by Caris Roane

Chained to a cavern wall, Adrien hung forward from his shackles, arms shaking.

With a title like Born in Chains, one can't expect anything less than such a sentence as the one above. Right to the point: Character, conflict, setting and some innuendo.

Then the guy starts hallucinating some back story. I would too if I were him.

I might mention, that this type of book, this genre, is not my thing, but for the purpose of this review that doesn't matter. The question is does this novel hook in the opening page? Does the opening line hold a reader's attention without wasting time? Does it raise questions? I think this one does, regardless if one is a fan of this genre or not.

First thing said:

"Adrien, talk to us."

Verdict: Pass

Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht