Slaughtermatic by Steve Aylett

Beerlight was a blown circuit, where to kill a man was less a murder than a mannerism.

This is a prologue of sorts. I say of sorts because there isn't really a plot to this page of two paragraphs. It's more reminiscent of the intro to Star Wars with backstory rolling off into the cosmos. In this case, this bit of text introduces the story's setting.

It's pretty cool with lots of ideas: bulletproof babies, bomb zombies, pincushions of snipers, and crime as the new art form. It sounds like a warning of what's to come, preparing the reader for a gluttony of violence. So if you read on and are disturbed by what you're reading and wish you never picked this book up, you have only yourself to blame.

Chapter 1

Dante Cubit pushed into the bank, thinking about A.A. Milne.

I like the name of the character. It's cool when characters are given names that probably no one in the world has. This opening line needs the next to be effective, or perhaps the second needs the first to be effective or perhaps they're just well woven like good writing is supposed to be.

The next line:

Why didn't he ever write Now We Are Dead?

So this character goes into a bank armed to the nips with a view of robbing it. So even though there's the gun cliche, it isn't what you think: there are no Glocks or chicks.

First thing said:

"Hands up, granddad, and no sudden moves--it's a money or your life paradigm."

Dialogue that moves plot forward and reveals something of character. The implication being that because Dante doesn't necessarily want to kill the old guy, he's a good guy doing bad things (bad things in our world, but not necessarily in his). Plus, let's face it, the guy sounds smarter than your average Walmart shopper. Even with the great strides TV shows like The Big Bang Theory has made to increase the average shopper's vocabulary, most people, I suspect, do not comfortably know what paradigm means or how to pronounce it. Here's an idea: pa-ra-dig-em may or may not be right. And certainly the average shopper wouldn't use the word in their day-to-day affairs, like when they go into a bank with nefarious intent. If I were ever held at gunpoint, it would set my mind at ease if the gunman used the word paradigm.

Overall, this opening pulls readers in even if this is not a favorite genre.

That's no small feat.

Verdict: 3.5 Stars (Definite Pass)

Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht

Still Life with Bread Crumbs by Anna Quindlen

A few minutes after two in the morning Rebecca Winter woke to the sound of a gunshot and sat up in bed.

This opening line which is all of the first paragraph has two cliches right out of the gate, which surprises me. The title is not bad, but it does have the subtle waft of artsy-farsty and even though I'm not a big fan of the artsy-fartsy genre, the one thing one can usually count on is that they don't start with any of the usual cliches, except perhaps on occasion the weather cliche opening. Here we have the bed setting and the gun opening. For a moment I wonder if I'm reading Ian Fleming.

Then we get a correction, it may not be two in the morning which provides an escape into back story about the kitchen floor, loose steps in the back yard and outlets as these are apparently more important than the gunshot.

We return t the gunshot on page 2 and another correction as Rebecca doesn't actually know what a gunshot sounds like and so can't be certain it was a gunshot because...and then some more back story about New York City, vacations, beaches, vineyards and the husband. After a page of her life story about a mother, childhood, the doorman and her father the author reassures us that there is most likely some conflict in this opening and that Rebecca is almost certain it is a gunshot as she lies in bed in a room without outlets. She looks for her watch, which provides another opportunity for back story about her marriage before returning to the watch which is difficult to read especially in a room fringed by large pine trees which begins a paragraph about setting and weather.

Then on the next page Rebecca turns over ready to ignore the gunshot as it becomes a memory which is how the reader should feel after all the back story. The forward narrative becomes just a distant memory.

Then there are two more pages of back story which I skipped until we get this sentence:

Bam bam bam.

So it was a gunshot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But by this point the writer has persuaded me not to care.

First thing said:

"That's a beauty!"

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

The Accident by Chris Pavone

Prologue

He awakens suddenly, in terror.

A pronoun waking up in terror has been done to death as an opening in books, short stories, films, TV shows, commercials, poems, raps, banner ads, eulogies and gossip, etc. Obviously, however, some people haven't gotten the memo. As there is little in this line to interest the well read, let's read on at least to the end of the first paragraph and see what happens with Mr. Pronoun.

He spins his head around the spare room, searching the darkest shadows in the blue wash of moonlight, sitting bolt upright, head cocked, alert for noises. He reaches his hand across his body, and grabs the gun.

Yikes. He spins his head around the room? Who is this guy, the love child of Wile E. Coyote and Regan from The Exorcist? And of course, he reaches for "the" gun, which is even more predictable than a tough, hunkly (did I just make that word up?) pronoun waking up. It's also a little awkward that as Manly Pronoun spins his head around the room, he is searching the darkest shadows while in the process of sitting upright - that is, all at the same time. Present participle forms of the verb are used to show those verbs are occurring at the same time as other verbs like spin. Example: He walks down the street and goes into the store. Happening at the same time? Nope. What about:  He walks down the street, going into the store. Happening at the same time? Yes, with the aid of the multi-moment phasing app now available for download from Google Play.

I would have the pronoun bolt upright first and then spin his head around the room, searching for whatever...

As well, it sounds strange that "reach" is used transitively, that is, with an object (hand): He reaches his hand across his body. Why is Mr. Pronoun's hand the object of the verb reaching which his hand is doing? Hm? In my neck of the English woods, "reach" is used intransitively (without an object): His hand reaches across his body... Of course, that's not to say "reach" never has an object, as in traveling: I reached the shore. A quick Google search shows that this He reaches his hand... phrasing has been used before: He reached his hand down. Not many search results though,  so it's a construction with only a small cult following. I still think it sounds weird, but I might use it.

Aegis: Can you reach that book for me?
Superman: Sure I will reach my hand to that book, because I like reaching my hands.

I guess this opening paragraph feels like writing. With the next paragraph we learn that that first paragraph was a false alarm! In other words, it's a clumsy way of foreshadowing that there is a problem, which is, put quite simply, not where it should be: in the first paragraph. This technique dangerously borders on the "ha-ha made you look" trick that I hate. You know, the openings that begin with an exciting dream or film scene on TV that the character is watching and the scene has nothing to do with the actual story.

The prologue is short, but out of the 13 paragraphs, 8 start with pronouns. Later we learn that Mr. Pronoun is a writer and he's written a memoir and that an earlier draft was in first person but in the final draft he'd changed it to third person and was obsessing whether he'd caught all the first person references - not really fascinating. His epilogue ends:

...if what you are reading is a finished book...I am...dead.

Chapter 1:

It is just before dawn when Isabel Reed turns the final sheet of paper.

We assume that this is Mr. Pronoun's book in the prologue and that Mr. Pronoun is dead. Honestly, I don't care if I'm wrong and I don't have much interest in finding out one way or the other.

First thing said:

"My God."

Indeed.

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

Mr. Mercedes by Stephen King

Augie Odenekirk had a 1997 Datsun that still ran well in spite of high mileage, but gas was expensive, especially for a man with no job, and City Center was on the far side of town, so he decided to take the last bus of the night.

There is something to be said for opening without death and violence, as if they are the only things that will hook the world these days. Of course, conflict is essential to a hook, and there is little in this opening line, at least nothing that would make one care to read on. Expensive gas and being unemployed are not engaging.

I award this with the car opening cliche because the character has gotten into a vehicle to drive to the beginning of the plot and conflict or in this case to be taken to it by public transportation.

By the end of this prologue we get the violence and death that the modern consumer demands.

First thing said:

"Good luck, man."

This dialogue neither reveals character or moves plot forward, it's only purpose is to establish King's tone, and champion the average man that we've deceived ourselves into believing is interesting enough to read about. When the truth be told these "average" joes in King's novels are anything but average or normal.

The opening scene is about this guy at a City center job placement place talking to some girl who has a kid and the struggles of being in a lineup with a baby and in unpleasant weather. Almost ten pages are invested in getting the reader mildly to care for these characters in dismal circumstances before King exterminates them, turning them into prologies (expendable characters that die horribly in prologues and whose only purpose in the novel is to hook us with their bloody and sometimes creatively violent deaths).

I flip through the prologue and I wonder why I needed to read all that. It's too long.

Chapter 1:

Hodges walks out of the kitchen with a can of beer in his hand, sits down in a La-Z-Boy, and puts the can down on the little table to his left, next to the gun.

The gun opening and drinking cliche begin chapter 1. The gun is treated like a dog (he pats it), on comes the TV and then we transition to paragraph 2 and back story. However, I like the writing style; it's a little more literary in tone - with long paragraphs, a trademark of a King novels - until page 2 when the obligatory swearing starts and that famous King tone starts pandering to the lowest common denominator.

Honestly, this opening doesn't feel any different than any other typical novel of this genre.

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

Prophet of Bones by Ted Kosmatka

The Prophet set his nine-millimeter on the kitchen counter.

This is the first sentence and first paragraph. The opening line gets its own paragraph, one presumes, because the author thinks that this sentence is special, when in essence it is nothing more than a nickname putting down a gun in the kitchen. I mean just because there is a gun we are supposed to be hooked? The set up is so Hollywood (sorry Hollywood if I've offended thee) with a total lack of creativity that the only thing interesting about this line is that it can actually make someone read on. Perhaps opening with a gun is something that hooks patriotic Americans and Russians but for the rest of us, it's like, whatever.

He leaned forward bleeding hard into the sink, the only  sound a rhythmic tap of blood on stainless steel.

This second sentence and beginning of the second paragraph is somewhat incongruous. Mr. Prophet is bleeding hard in the first clause, but then only dripping in the second clause. When I first read bleeding hard I pictured the guy gushing blood. But drip, drip, drip is in no way as dramatic. Even if the droplets are dime size. But then again, what do I know, I've never been shot in the head. Yep, the Prophet is suffering from a head wound, yet can still turn on the tap and talk. Without being clear about the nature of the head wound, it's actually funny. Well, I laughed.

First thing said:

"My disciples, I knew you'd find me here."

Dialogue on the first page is nice. In fact, a scene like this on the first page encourages a reader to be pulled in. Creepy disciples watching the prophet make this scene rather weird in a pleasant way and one can't help but feel a sense of foreboding.

Then the Prophet takes off his shirt so the author can describe his chest and body, as if nothing in the story will make sense if I don't know this on page 2. Though to be fair, except for the lean and dark torso, a little hint of back story is insinuated by mentioning the scars and tattoos. Suddenly the Prophet looks like Danny Trejo.

Then many paragraphs start beginning like this:

The Prophet splashed cold water on his face...
The Prophet peeled loose his tattered sweatshirt...
The Prophet turned....
The Prophet shook his head.
The Prophet leaned back...
The Prophet wiped a runnel of blood from his face.
The Prophet sipped beer.
The Prophet didn't answer. 
The Prophet lowered his eyes.

All in the first three pages. There are more The Prophet does.... sentences on the final two pages of chapter 1, as well. The point I'm trying to make?  Monotonous sentence structure stands out.

I will give this a 50/50 pass because in all fairness the scene manages to hold my attention, despite the writing. However, I do start to lose interest when we get into characters talking about things the reader can't know anything about, dropping hints and insinuations designed to impel us to read on but are in point of fact, a little confusing.

Some say that a good story is 80% idea and 20% technique. But in this case only 5% technique is employed putting the story idea, caked in cliche, at a disadvantage. To be honest, I'm starting to have a hard time telling these kinds of novels apart. You know, the crime novels and thrillers that are printed out in the millions by the likes of Cussler, Baldacci, Dan Brown, Ted Bell, Lee Child, Robert Harris, Brad Meltzer and hundreds of others, many much worse. Am I the only one who thinks they could all have been written by one person? Or perhaps, graduates from one cliched school of writing?

On the cover there is a quote from Clive Cussler: A Masterwork...An eye-opening and page-turning read without parallel. Except this reads like every other book of it's genre. Personally, I'd sue someone if Clive Cussler's name was on the cover of my book, plugging it. Most readers can make up their own minds without reading graffiti on a cover.

Verdict: Pass (barely)

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

Ghostman by Roger Hobbs

Prologue 
Atlantic City, New Jersey

Hector Moreno and Jerome Ribbons sat in the car on the ground level of the Atlantic Regency Hotel Casino parking garage, sucking up crystal meth with a rolled-up five spot, a lighter and a crinkled length of tin foil.

So begins a book in a car, though in this case the line is not all about the car; you know, a car chase, a car crash, a car in a traffic jam, a car with a lost character in it, etc.

The second paragraph improves with the hint of a plot line:

There are three good ways to rob a casino.

So for all you aspiring crooks, pay heed.

Chapter 1:

Seattle, Washington

The shrill high-pitched chirp of an incoming e-mail was like a bell ringing in my head.

This line falls under the phone call opening. And the next line reveals that the character is in bed, so the next line after that naturally means the character looks for a watch and then reaches for a gun. Some people just don't like getting e-mails I guess. Before the end of a short page one, we are thrown into a gooey back story dump.

First thing said:

"Got your house picked out yet?"

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht

Criminal Enterprise by Owen Laukkanen

They came into the bank around one-thirty, a man and a woman.

This is not gripping. Hell, this is not even mildly interesting. A mute burping would attract more attention. Two people walk into a bank...it sounds like the beginning of a joke written by someone staring at the wall, bored out of his skull after just getting stood up. This line does not hook and never will.

Next sentence:

Both of them wore ski masks, and both carried guns.

This is better because it suggests a problem - ski masks and guns don't mix. In Toronto the police can shoot you for much less. However, why this couldn't be incorporated into the first sentence like: A man and a woman came into the bank wearing ski masks and carrying guns. The time is not important yet, if it will ever be. Also, notice the lack of pronouns in this revision. It still sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, but this revised first sentence would at least get to the point, instead of pointing to the point. After all, it's the first sentence of a novel. It should be special, more so than:

They came into the bank around one-thirty, a man and a woman.

First thing said:

"On the ground."

Followed by:

"Don't be a hero."

I roll my eyes. Where did these characters learn English, watching Ed Wood films? The dialogue that follows is of the same caliber.

"Tomorrow, babe. Promise."
"Thirty grand."
"Rock and roll."
"That was awesome."

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht

Affliction by Laurell K. Hamilton

My gun was digging into my back, so I shifted forward in my office chair.

I hate when that happens. The realism of this sentence is shocking. The usage of pronouns bold and the lack of conflict revealing.

Next sentence:

That was better; now it was just the comforting pressure of the inner-skirt holster, tucked away underneath my short royal blue suit jacket.

Gun? Check. Short royal blue suit jacket? Check. This girl's ready. That is to say, the gun is all a part of the look and this girl is a mean accessorizer. You go girl!

Fortunately, the fashion review ends, but unfortunately, it ends with back story. I'm not sure which I don't want more.

With the mention of zombies, I'm ready to put this down. For those of you who can't get enough of zombies, I say go to the mall. But if that's not enough, then you might like this book. In any case, whether I like zombie stories or not, this opening does not hook. It reeks of the typical shallow Hollywood set up, which tries to sell us the annoying behavior of characters we don't know or even care about. Behavior like, you know, acting tough, despite the inevitable character flaws and weaknesses that will create tension later in the plot. Cliche and kitsch wrapped up like a cake on fire.

In this case it isn't so much the character or event that's cliche but the tone of the sentences that is. That's right, tone and narrative voice can be cliche.

First thing said:

"What's wrong?"

I don't know - maybe that I stopped reading?

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

Deadline by Sandra Brown

The first hail of bullets was fired from the house shortly after daybreak at six fifty-seven.

That is all there is to the first paragraph of the prologue. For some reason a gun fight doesn't hook the way it used to. It's almost as bad as opening with the weather, a hail of rain.

It was a gloomy morning.

But then it usually is when there's a gun fight involved. By the end of the prologue we have five dead prologies.


Chapter 1:

"What's with the hair?"
"That's how you greet a man returning from the war?"

Dialogue by persons unknown begins chapter 1. Names gush forth soon thereafter but names do not a character make.

First thing said:

"Hey, Turk, grab me a Coke while you're over there, will ya?"

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht

The Columbus Affair by Steve Berry

Prologue

Christopher Columbus realized that the decisive moment was approaching.

This raises a question or two, but only barely do I care. By the end of the first paragraph though, I'm losing interest with the history lesson.

Chapter One

Tom Sagan gripped the gun.

It sounds thrilling, but having a gun doesn't hook today's generation like it did with grand dad's generation.

First line of paragraph two:

He simply did not want to live any longer.

Then we get a Tom Sagan bio, which I'm hoping will be an obituary. It's sad and boring, you can skip most of it by reading key sentences (usually first in paragraph) that stand alone like this:

He'd once been an investigative reporter...
Tom received his third Pulitzer nomination...
They took his back.
Then his father disowned him.
Then his divorce.
Finally his firing.
Self-pity was his intoxication.
Would anyone even care he was gone?
What would it be like to be dead?
Time to end this.
Women. Another failure.
But he failed at sports, too.
He brought the barrel to his temple.
The metal touched his skin.
Rap, rap, rap.
A man stood outside the front window.
...held a photograph...
He knew the face.
His daughter.

Right. Chapter two begins with the daughter bound and gagged. We assume Daddy won't blow his brains out just yet. No surprise there - another false climax.

First thing said:

"Admiral."

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird