Snow White Must Die by Nele Neuhaus

The rusty iron staircase leading downstairs was narrow and steep.

After the all important introduction of a rusty staircase we get Mr. Pronoun feeling for the light switch. The opening paragraph is long and descriptive with heavy words designed to create an overwhelming sense of atmosphere akin to a 1970's B film Gothic epic - until a Bryan Adams' song starts playing, that is. Fortunately, we're not made privy to which.

First thing said:

"Hello, Snow White."

The point of the prologue is that Ms. Pronoun, called Snow White, must be kept hidden. We can infer she is dead, until the writer comes out and states this directly, for those who don't have a very high reading comprehension level. This pronoun must be a little weird for keeping a dead body and pretending it is still alive, talking to it, dreaming for it to smile. So there is a little mystery here that raises some questions. But as I've seen Psycho, I can't say I'm too shocked by this plot point. Truth be told, weirdos keeping dead bodies as companions is getting a bit cliche in fiction.

Chapter 1:

Thursday, November 6, 2008

He didn't say "See you later."

The reason why is apparent in the next line:

Nobody who was let out of the slammer ever said "See you later."

The pronounolgy is ripe in this opening. Mr. Pronoun is let out of prison. Not much conflict here, unless the guy is homicidal or something.

Setting is established first to establish mood. The pronounology only adds to this effect and is obviously intentional. Doing it this way may hook some readers, but in my experience and to my taste, it comes off as melodramatic and, well, cheesy.

Verdict: Pass (barely)

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

Under the Volcano by Malcolm Lowry

Two mountain chains traverse the republic roughly from north to south, forming between them a number of valleys and plateaux. 

This line is quite nondescript. The mention of a republic only mildly interests as it suggests a setting. The mountains might be a metaphor. Reading the rest of the first paragraph we learn of two volcanoes:

Overlooking one of these valleys, which is dominated by two volcanoes, lies, six thousand feet above sea-level, the town of Quauhnahuac. It is situated well south of the Tropic of Cancer, to be exact, on the nineteenth parallel, in about the same latitude as the Revillagigedo Islands to the west in the Pacific, or very much farther west, the southernmost tip of Hawaii – and as the port of Tzucox to the east on the Atlantic seaboard of Yucatan near the border of British Honduras, or very much farther east, the town of Juggernaut, in India, on the Bay of Bengal.

By the fourth paragraph we are introduced to some characters, one of which is drinking something that reminds him of absinthe. Page 1 is nicely written with description that sets the scene, so on the plus one can assume that one is in the capable hands of a writer.

First thing said:

‘ –I meant to persuade him to go away and get déalcoholisé.’

There is conflict that is eventually revealed but having to wade through the geography and description first to get to a hook is asking a lot from a reader. The writing is great but it reminds me of those "where's the beef?" commercials. Only I shout out: Where's the story?

Verdict: Fail

This is part of the series: the top 100 novels from Daniel S. Burt's book called Novel 100, the top 100 novels of all time. There is debate of course as to what should be on that list, but his opinions are as good as any. Under the Volcano is 81st best.

Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht

Wayfaring Stranger by James Lee Burke

It was the year none of the seasons followed their own dictates.

It goes on about weather. If the seasons had been dramatically different like snow in July or a heatwave in February then this might have been interesting to read. But as it's about nothing other than bad weather, dressed in simile, it is as boring as staring at paint drying. Not the way to begin a story. Ever. Unless, of course, you are James Lee Burke or any other author who enjoys the byline hook.

Then with paragraph 2 the story moves into back story about a father who disappeared looking for work and a mother that goes through a mental deterioration, before taking a further step back by one generation to go into some granddaddy back story. But it is the good kind, unusual and filled with conflict.

Despite weather cliche and back story dump, this opening does succeed in revealing character and mood, which is important to writers and English teachers, as well as to the average reader. This the reader may enjoy some sympathy for the character and care. So we have character development and setting but no story problem yet, which is sort of what a book is really about - conflict and character. We know who it is about, but not what it is about.

First thing said:

"Some people must have wandered off the highway onto our road."

This comes on the second page, so thankfully the back story and figurative setting descriptions (author gymnastics) don't last long as a scene starts to unfold: A car pulls up onto the narrator's property which leads to pulling out guns.

I like the writing despite the opening paragraph which isn't necessary where it is. I mean, if it was thrown in somewhere else it's effect would be the same plus it'd have the advantage of being less visible. But as the opening? There are better ways to begin. There is certainly no hook in the first paragraph. However, the story gets going quickly after the reader stumbles through the writer's writer's opening.

Verdict: Pass

Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht

1984 by George Orwell

It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. 

I've already this novel numerous times, so to review this we have to break our rule of not having read the book before reviewing it. It's doubly hard because this is one of my favorite novels and my opinion of the hook will be biased.

But let's try to look at this as if we have no idea what this book is about, as if it were new and no one had heard anything about it.  Right out of the gate, the title is misleading. Of course we know this was published in 1949 so 1984 was the future then and up until 1984 people would have had an inkling that this was some kind of futuristic book, with some fantasy, perhaps a cautionary tale - and they would have figured that out just from the title. Now anyone who picks this up might think it's an historical novel, assuming they ignore the blurb. The point being the title was destined to lose it's effectiveness at some point in time. Even if it was called 2084 or 2184, time is ticking. Let's say I wrote a novel called 1972. What would be your conclusion as to its premise? Wrong! It's about flesh-eating aliens who process humans into cosmic coke in a parallel universe not unlike Berlin in the 1920's. Get it? 1927 backwards, so there! The lesson here? None really, or maybe choose a title that will remain effective - forever.

Now, to the first line.

Beginning with setting is not a really good idea, unless you begin like 1984. Standard setting is usually boring, but setting that is weird or makes you ask, "what the--?" hooks. The line is striking and immediately reveals  that something is not right about the world of this novel. It is vital to reveal this early in a dystopian novel. The next sentence we meet the protagonist dealing with bad weather as a little more dismal setting is revealed.

Winston Smith, his chin nuzzled into his breast in an effort to escape the vile wind, slipped quickly through the glass doors of Victory Mansions, though not quickly enough to prevent a swirl of gritty dust from entering along with him. 

Then the next paragraph:

The hallway smelt of boiled cabbage and old rag mats. At one end of it a coloured poster, too large for indoor display, had been tacked to the wall. It depicted simply an enormous face, more than a metre wide: the face of a man of about forty-five, with a heavy black moustache and ruggedly handsome features. Winston made for the stairs. It was no use trying the lift. Even at the best of times it was seldom working, and at present the electric current was cut off during daylight hours. It was part of the economy drive in preparation for Hate Week. 

More tantalizing tidbits of the dystopian setting are revealed with the introduction of Hate Week.

First thing said:

'Oh, comrade,' she began in a dreary, whining sort of voice, 'I thought I heard you come in.'

Verdict: Pass

Overall, there are better opening lines than this, despite its fame. It is the fact it focuses on setting rather than character and conflict in a scene that lowers the rating. However, in a dystopian novel beginning with setting is acceptable, as the setting is very much an antagonizing force. As well, it establishes the dismal mood that is carried throughout the novel. In any case, the opening couple pages are well done and pull readers in right away.

This is part of the series: the top 100 novels from Daniel S. Burt's book called Novel 100, the top 100 novels of all time. There is debate of course as to what should be on that list, but his opinions are as good as any. 1984 is the 86th greatest novel of all time.

Sincerely,

Theodore Moracht

The Betrothed by Alessandro Manzoni

That branch of the Lake of Como, which turns toward the south between two unbroken chains of mountains, presenting to the eye a succession of bays and gulfs, formed by their jutting and retiring ridges, suddenly contracts itself between a headland to the right and an extended sloping bank on the left, and assumes the flow and appearance of a river. 

What is this - a novel or a geological study? The next sentence:

The bridge by which the two shores are here united, appears to render the transformation more apparent, and marks the point at which the lake ceases, and the Adda recommences, to resume, however, the name of Lake where the again receding banks allow the water to expand itself anew into bays and gulfs. 

Obviously people had more time on their hands when this was first published than people have these days. This, however, should illustrate why opening with landscape and setting does not hook. It's as if the author wished he was a painter instead of a writer, and fails at both. Telling a story requires a different set of tools than those needed for painting a picture and no matter how wonderful one paints that picture with words, it will obviously lack in some shape or form. Of course a writer can paint a picture in the reader's mind, but I think it needs to be simple in order to no hinder the imagination.

The rest of the first long paragraph is continues describing the geology of the novel's setting.

With paragraph 2 we are introduced to a character:

Towards evening, on the 7th day of November, 1628, Don Abbondio, curate of one of the villages before alluded to (but of the name of which, nor of the house and lineage of its curate, we are not informed), was returning slowly towards his home, by one of these pathways. 

What follows is a lot of back story, and I mean a lot with a few fourth-wall breaks.

First thing said:

"Signor Curate."

I'm sure Goethe would roll over in his grave with my verdict of this opening if he cared what I thought, which I'm sure he doesn't. He said this was the greatest novel of his time, but that was a time when people had the time to waste and the brain to appreciate the nuances of storytelling and of life it portrays. But people today? We. Have. More. Important. Things. To. Do.

Verdict: Fail

This is part of the series: the top 100 novels from Daniel S. Burt's book called Novel 100, the top 100 novels of all time. There is debate of course as to what should be on that list, but his opinions are as good as any. The Betrothed is the 87th greatest novel of all time.

Sincerely,

Theodore Moracht

The Last of the Mohicans by James Fenimore Cooper

It was a feature peculiar to the colonial wars of North America, that the toils and dangers of the wilderness were to be encountered before the adverse hosts could meet. 

Preamble and exposition begin this novel. At the time it was written, people may have had less access to information than we do today, so perhaps an expository introduction was necessary. But it feels like the novel is beginning with an encyclopedic footnote. If you don't believe me, read the rest of the first paragraph and see if your eyes don't start to glaze over and your brain start to atrophy.

A wide and apparently an impervious boundary of forests severed the possessions of the hostile provinces of France and England. The hardy colonist, and the trained European who fought at his side, frequently expended months in struggling against the rapids of the streams, or in effecting the rugged passes of the mountains, in quest of an opportunity to exhibit their courage in a more martial conflict. But, emulating the patience and self-denial of the practiced native warriors, they learned to overcome every difficulty; and it would seem that, in time, there was no recess of the woods so dark, nor any secret place so lovely, that it might claim exemption from the inroads of those who had pledged their blood to satiate their vengeance, or to uphold the cold and selfish policy of the distant monarchs of Europe.

A characteristic of the writing style in those days is long-winded sentences that would need some serious weeding to appeal to today's dumbed down taste. After all, people were smarter back then. Nowadays, people enjoying reading a series of sentence fragments and one word paragraphs.

First thing said:

"Are such specters frequent in the woods, Heyward, or is this sight an especial entertainment ordered on our behalf?"

This dialogue only comes in chapter 2 which further suggests that chapter 1 is pure telling and informing. However, it does move the plot forward and asks for some pertinent information.

Verdict: Fail

This is part of the series: the top 100 novels from Daniel S. Burt's book called Novel 100, the top 100 novels of all time. There is debate of course as to what should be on that list, but his opinions are as good as any. The Last of the Mohicans figures in as the 88th greatest novel of all time.

Sincerely,

Theodore Moracht

Where the Air is Sweet by Tasneem Jamal

Prologue
Apollo Hotel, Kampala
August 1974

The swimming pool is circular, with a platform on one side that juts into the water.

Hooked yet? Didn't think so. With a title like Where the Air is Sweet we know that this is artsy-fartsy. The Artsy-Fartsy connoisseur will adore this opening. Circular swimming pool, you say? Could this be a metaphor for life, an expression of the futile yet malignant obsession of the human spirit to overthrow the cancerous mediocrity that threatens growth and happiness, despite there always being a way...out: A platform. It juts. ...into the water...

I apologize, I'm being facetious. I blame the artsy-fartsy title. My brain reacts violently to them; you know, ones that begin with an ellipsis..., or begin with a preposition or has a pronoun like: A River Runs through IT or a title that begins with 'And'. Then there are the ones that begin with where, when or how. Not that I have anything against artsy-fartsy - I have the prerequisite brain capacity and/or human compassion to appreciate them - it's just that these books tend to be didactic and long-winded with vocabulary that's been excavated from the depths of the armpits of some dictionary, bursting with imagery that tries to reprogram (or scramble) my brain, by making something as simple as the sun look like the last vestibule of hope in the eye of a dying impediment. Moreover, the pacing is soooooooo slowwwww.

The rest of the paragraph mentions a past event littered with sentence fragments, a feature of artsy fartsy.

A concrete peninsula.
In Swahili.
In English.
In Luganda.

Fragments.
If you like you're sentences thus...
Love.
This book.

Paragraph 2 begins with description, a  fashion report before describing a scene of people swimming in the pool. Hooked yet? Yes? No? Good for you.

Paragraph 3 is the artsy-fartsy weather report and I imagine a beatnik Stewie reading this:

A cloud obscures the sun and everything is grey. Dull. Diminished. As though, on a cruel whim, God lifted his hand and smeared the earth with ash.

Snap fingers. Snap fingers.

The fact that it's in present tense doesn't help.

First thing said:

"Again."

Verdict: Fail

In general, artsy-fartsy books aren't written with hooking in mind, so it isn't fair to review them on this blog. I do it though because it's fun. I sometimes wonder if someone's playing a joke on the publishing industry and that Monty Python fanatics are secretly writing these books while spanking each other with fish.

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

Killer Ambition by Marcia Clark

Rocky mountain peaks glowed lonely and austere under the nearly full moon.

So this is what happens when people decide to quit their day jobs to be a writer. Mountains start defying the laws of nature and physics and begin glowing or so it is suggested in this idyllic fade in. What else is wrong with this sentence? Putting adjectives after the noun they modify leads to confusion. There should be commas offsetting the appositive, lonely and austere. It would sound better like this:

The lonely and austere Rocky mountain peaks glowed under a nearly full moon.

Nearly? Why use an adverb to describe the moon as nearly full? It's vague. Nearly means what - 98% full or 80% full or...etc.

The prologue continues with two people on a trail on a mountain and one is forced to dig. We don't know why but we can imagine. Then the prologue shifts to three days earlier at a bar before fast forwarding to now. The plot hinges on characters acting stupid and being melodramatic as they struggle with whether to do the smart thing everyone does in real life or whether they should be stupid like people in the movies and novels because that is the only way to make a story interesting. I guess having stupid characters make the writer's job all that easier, and everyone loves reading about stupid people, right? I suppose this technique has a basis in literary history, since the old fairy tales are cautionary tales warning people that if they act stupid, they will be eaten by the wolf or witch. However, I doubt that is this author's intent - to insert a moral in the prologue.

Chapter 1:

"I'm guessing by your expression that dinner went pretty well after all," Bailey said.

Then we get the Hardy Boys line introducing Baily so we understand who this is, even though we have no idea who she's talking to or about what, besides the fact, that someone at some point before this opening ate something. That's one obvious disadvantage to opening with dialogue.

First thing said:

"Dig."

This lady can write about as well as she can prosecute murderers. But in America today, even people who suck at what they do have the right to unbelievable success. I imagine it's in the constitution.

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

The Ophelia Cut by John Lescroart

Anthony Xavier Ricci never set an alarm clock because he never needed one.

How kind of the author to give the full name of the character, which of course is better than simply using a pronoun, but in point of fact provides no concrete information about the character other than the fact the character is most likely male. Despite my flippancy, a name is a million times better than a pronoun.

Now, despite the fact that there is the bed setting cliche used here (or someone waking up from a nap in this case), it is used in such a way that does manage to reveal a bit of character: that this guy doesn't need an alarm clock and has an internal clock. It could mean many things, like this guy is obsessive-compulsive or was in the army and had the alarm clock drilled into his brain. However, even though there is some data to work with, there really isn't anything yet to get us caring about this Anthony guy.

The next paragraph is descriptive with fragments of a back story dump about Ricci being in the NYPD for X number of years, his apartment that looks like a cellar but is really neat with various things inside it. We even get to learn what kind of stereo and TV he has!

Then we learn why Ricci needed a nap because the previous night he'd been to a cop party until 4 A.M., and of curse Ricci had to get up at dawn to do his seven-mile run before doing his laundry and doing some grocery shopping. So, anyway after napping, Ricci showers and shaves and even weighs himself! All explained in loving detail. He then puts on his Dockers, tennis shoes, a Knicks sweatshirt and hoodie. Then he sits on his bed and looks at some photos which is the writing method for which Terri an ex-girlfriend is introduced...

I don't know what comes next because I got so bored that I needed to take a nap. That's right, I stopped reading. Why would anyone be surprised with stopping? There is no conflict, just boring mundane details in the day in a life of some guy I care nothing about, because on the surface he's like every other human being out there trying to make a positive go of it, you know, keeping fit and clean. Lord, why did I read this?

First thing said:

"Anybody want anything while I'm up?"

My mother used to say that during the TV commercial break. So I like that opening bit of dialogue, even though it doesn't move plot forward or reveal character.

For a thriller which is supposed to have "nail-biting suspense" this opening is anything but.

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

Private L.A. by James Patterson and Mark Sullivan

It was  nearing midnight that late-October evening on a dark stretch of beach in Malibu.

Exposition that is pure setting doesn't work for me. Exposition that introduces character and conflict does. I want to know what the story is about before when and where the story takes place, unless of course the setting is strife with conflict. This one isn't. I suppose there are some people who would feel differently, who would be very put out because they understand nothing of a story if they don't get the when and where first. But the essence of a story is things happening to people. That's just me, digging the essence of things first.

The next sentence:

Five men, lifelong surfers, lost souls, sat around a fire blazing in a portable steel pit set into the sand.

The lost souls bit is a little strange and needs some explaining. One possible inference being that they are lost souls because they are surfers.

First thing said:

"Bomber weed, N.P."

Then we learn that at least one of the five men had done two tours in Iraq and was incapable of love, hence the lost soul reference. A bit cliche, Terminator style, but anyway, these men sit around the fire so their back stories can unfold. In the second chapter of the prologue they are killed with a Glock! So there we have it, another violent prologue that fails to hook.

Chapter 1:

Shortly after midnight, as the first real storm of the season intensified outside, the lovely Guin Scott-Evans and I were sitting on the couch at my place, watching a gas fire, drinking a first-class bottle of Cabernet, and good-naturedly bantering over our nominees for sexist movie scene ever.

Exposition is fine if it's setting up conflict. This, however, reads like a Marlboro advert from the 1970's. Then, horror of horrors, we actually get the whole conversation of them discussing the sexist movie scene, like, ever. As if I care. This goes on for all of chapter 1, mercifully broken up, unfortunately, with back story until finally at the end, after being forced to go through this totally uninteresting character "development" to have the phone ring so the narrator can be told about the dead bodies in the prologue. Mindless character development, for the sake of character development never hooks.

Here's an idea: why not develop characters with them reacting to the difficult circumstances of the inciting event that's riddled with conflict? At least then it would be fun and not sound like one's reading pre-adolescent Flaubert struggling to inflate a story so as to buy another round of Botox treatments for his beloved grandmother.

Opening outline:

- Prologue: Mysterious men on a beach are discussing random things, getting drunk and high until they are mysteriously slaughtered by one of the mysterious men - who is sort of like the strong silent type who Americans love reading about and watching on TV or the big screen, but hate hanging out with and ignore in real life, as these strong silent types come off as rude and arrogant.

-Chapter 1: Two people are getting romantic talking about sexy scenes in movies, and are also drinking, until the phone rings and they are informed of what happened in the prologue.

There's a formula here (slaughter to sexy) and I expect the bestselling writers will continue with what works. I don't expect the market will reject this formula as the consumers who make up this mass market read on average only three books a year and so will never read enough to discover that this has been done a million times before.

Books today don't shine a light on the soul of the reader like they used to. Quite the opposite; it's as if we are scared of reading good literature for fear of what we might find inside ourselves.

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

The Harem Midwife by Roberta Rich

Circassian Mountains
Ottoman Empire
1578

One spring morning as the sun dappled the rocks with golden light, drying the dew from the night before, making the world look as scrubbed and as fleecy as a cloud, Leah made a blunder that was to lead to her death.

Preamble. This reads something like a blurb that would be on the back cover, minus, of course the poetiky weather report. And I'm no expert, but Leah doesn't sound like a 16th century name. It may well be, but it sounds a little too modern for me and somewhat obstructs the historical image that this novel will undoubtedly try to create.

By page two there is some back story dump about Yuruks. Slowly, over 13 pages the circumstances of Leah's death emerge.

First thing said:

"Be quiet, or I'll slit your throat too."

This dialogue works at building up conflict and tension, so if there is more conflict like this, that is, to the point, then that's something to look forward to.

Nevertheless, I shan't be finding out.

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

The Day of the Dead by Maurizio de Giovanni

As the dawn was beginning to extract the outlines of things from the night and the rain, if someone had happened to pass by the foot of the monumental staircase leading up to Capodimonte, they'd have seen a dog and a child.

Two subordinate clauses slammed together like in the above sentence is awkward and not right. There's an evilness about this that disturbs me. Other than that there is not much happening here. Night is ending, as it always does, and there is a boy and a dog out and about. It has a little of the film fade in technique. Unfortunately, this is a novel, not a film. The next sentence and last in the first paragraph you can just skip, as it states that if someone had been there, but of course isn't, then it would have been hard to make the figures of dog and boy out. Whatever.

Paragraph 2 goes on to explain the boy and dog are just sitting there. Paragraph 3 begins by stating that ...if someone had...stopped to look they may have wondered [things] - or not; it would depend entirely on who these hypothetical characters would be. It goes on to say that someone [what about the reader?] might wonder what the boy and dog were doing before describing the boy and dog and then finally we arrive at page 2. By the end of this short opening chapter we may surmise the boy is dead. Amazing it took two pages to reveal something that could have been stated in one powerful sentence at the beginning. In other words, by using the if only... technique this opening reminds me of homework I've read in the past, published homework, and therefore is a fail.

Chapter 2 begins with a phone call with a header stating it is 1931, an interesting time period for some, so this might help to hook your brain.

First thing said:

"Commissa', you didn't think they'd let us finish our shift in peace, did you?"

Overall, I think this opening shows promise, but there isn't enough data here to raise any questions that need immediate answering. Yes, there is the question as to why the boy froze to death outside. Was he waiting for someone, or running away from something? However, it's not an usual enough situation to make me want to read on. If it was a real life situation, of course it would interest people, but this concept of a scene of a dead child found in cold weather has appeared before in the cruel fictional world that the human imagination has created.

I have a feeling this novel would make a great movie, which one may interpret as an insult or as a compliment to the book.

Verdict: Pass (barely)

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

Bad Blood by Dana Stabenow

Two villages, where two rivers meet.

This is a sentence fragment that would look much better as a header or title to the prologue than an opening line. The fact that it's about geology makes it worse. All of page one is about the geological formations and the history of the setting - that is to say - it is not gripping. The only question this raises: Where's the bad blood?

This prologue begins with the word "One" which I thought meant that the prologue had a couple of chapters of its own, but it turns out that there is only one chapter to the prologue so I'm confused as it why it was necessary to say one when there is only one.

Then we come to Act 1 and chapter two. So this means that chapter 1 is the prologue and chapter 2 is chapter 1 of Act 1.

Chapter 1:

Tuesday July 10
Kushtaka

Tyler Mack was an eighteen-year-old stick of postadolescent dynamite just waiting for the right match.

This sounds like Jessica Fletcher (who doesn't actually exist) meets Raymond Chandler. I laughed reading this, the postadolescent dynamite reference is funny, hyperbole has a way of doing that. The narrative goes on to say he is smart in all the wrong ways and describes him, accusing him of being mostly muscle and bone, as opposed to the American standard of being, what, mostly fat and bone? The slang used in the narrative is weird. For example:

...dark hair flopped in dark brown eyes...

He was a shirttail relative of Auntie Edna...which made the entire Shugak clan part of his extended family in Byzantine ways known only to its elders.

...quick to grab him up by the ears...

Overall, the narrative reads like its parodying the mystery genre. Some sentences look like they've been thrown together into a blender, I mean, word processor.

Uncle Pat's outboard was so finely tuned and so diligently maintained that its muted purr was barely audible above the rush of water beneath the skiff's hull. Eagles chittered from the treetops.

First thing said:

"Goddamn good-for-nothing little..."

Verdict: Fail

Looks like we have a new inductee to the Horrible Writer's Club. The sentence structure and paragraph structure is so unnatural that it feels like I'm reading grade 7 homework written by a student pulling an all-nighter, desperate for that B-.

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

Gifted and Talented by Wendy Holden

Isabel stared out of the train window.

In this opening line there is nothing but a name and a window. No conflict here, it's not even dramatic. It is not special, odd, or out of the ordinary. So this line is an epic fail and will hook no one except people called Isabel and window cleaners - and that's being optimistic or even naive. The next line:

The English fields flashed by, sometimes with cows in, sometimes sheep, sometimes nothing but a couple of troughs or an oak tree with russet-leaved branches.

This line is setting and contains errors in parallel structure. The cows are in what? And why aren't the sheep in too? Then the final paragraph of this spectacularly boring paragraph:

Beneath the surface of the fields the ancient plough and furrow pattern rippled like the sea.

How can plough patterns be beneath the surface of a field? Are they not what would define the surface of the field, or am I missing something?

The first sentence of the second paragraph:

Isabel glanced at the man and woman opposite.

Opposite what, the field? The cows? Or could it be that they are opposite her? Readers will need to rely more on their brains and powers of inference to figure out what is going on rather than on the writer's writing abilities. There are many more examples of poor sentence structure in this work that would get a C or D in any middle school program.

Emotion is expressed, funnily enough by characters blinking hard. They do a lot of hard blinking.

First thing said:

"Every room's got central heating and there's a laundry and kitchen at the end of every corridor."

As this is a romance novel, proper syntax and clarity is obviously not necessary when it comes to expressing the flavors of the heart.

Verdict: Epic Fail

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maude Montgomery

Mrs. Rachel Lynde lived just where the Avonlea main road dipped down into a little hollow, fringed with alders and ladies' eardrops and traversed by a brook that had its source away back in the woods of the old Cuthbert place; it was reputed to be an intricate, headlong brook in its earlier course through those woods, with dark secrets of pool and cascade; but by the time it reached Lynde's Hollow it was a quiet, well-conducted little stream, for not even a brook could run past Mrs. Rachel Lynde's door without due regard for decency and decorum; it probably was conscious that Mrs. Rachel was sitting at her window, keeping a sharp eye on everything that passed, from brooks and children up, and that if she noticed anything odd or out of place she would never rest until she had ferreted out the whys and wherefores thereof.

This was written in the days when the where the story is happening was more important than what is happening. However, all is not as it seems with this opening that begins with setting. At first glance, the setting may be regraded as a drawback with its overdose of semicolons, but there is some nicely written prose here. More importantly, this opening takes advantage of the setting to introduce and establish the character of Mrs. Lynde,which is not a technique one reads every day.

The opening line begins idyllically enough until the stream reaches Mrs. Lynde's house. I like how the stream and perhaps all of nature, must behave according to Mrs. Lynde's sensibilities with due regard for decency and decorum. Adding that the stream must be conscious of where Mrs. Lynde is as she is a gossip and busybody. By making the river a character that is perhaps afraid of Mrs. Lynde, tone is established, subtly hyperbolic, much like one might find in a Harry Potter novel.

Right away we are made aware of the stark contrast between character and setting. The beautiful countryside of Prince Edward Island amidst the strictness of the Victorian age; this motif continues throughout the opening pages.

So, in this long sentence that sort of cheats with all the semicolons, we get some foreshadowing of conflict in that Mrs. Lynde is not the kind of person one can have much fun with and any child that comes in contact with her or those of her kind will suffer. Indeed, the next few pages are written, it seems, with only one purpose in mind: to drive the fear of Mrs. Lynde and perhaps adults in general into the hearts and minds of readers.

First thing said:

"I'll just step over to Green Gables after tea and find out from Marilla where he's gone and why."

So says Mrs. Lynde.

When Mrs. Lynde learns that Marilla's husband has gone to pick up an orphan to work on the farm, Mrs. Lynde expresses her fear of orphan children. Enter Anne.

Verdict: Pass

Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht

Vertigo 42 by Martha Grimes

Vertigo 42, the City
Monday, 6:00 P.M.

It was far too high to see Old Broad Street down below, but the windows that traveled all the way around the lozenge-shaped room gave as great a view of London as he'd ever seen.

Before I did anything else, I added the byline hook label to this review. I'm sure many writers at this level still want to have beginnings that hook, but there are just as many more that go with being wordily annoying instead, eager to show off their writing chops.

Beginning with setting only works if it's an unusual setting, like if the story is set in the belly of a whale or on a snowy day in the Sahara desert. With this opening line we have a person in a skyscraper. Nothing suspenseful about that, at least not yet,but when the suspense will start is anyone's guess at this point. Some conflict comes at the end of the first paragraph:

He was so high up...he'd almost had an attack of vertigo...

But this is not the intense conflict that forces readers to turn pages. The first page spends ink describing and explaining setting, so I surmise after a quick glance. I already know I'm not reading this. There is no hook on page 1 and there are so many other options out there.

First thing said:

"My favorite view."

So begins some incidental dialogue that further turns me off this opening. You know, things like:

"Sorry about that."
"No problem."
"You like stuff?"
"Some stuff, yeah."
"I love stuff."
"Thanks for talking to me."
"No problem."

In Martha's defense, she does a slightly better job at the incidental chit-chat than I've done above.

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht

A Song for the Dying by Stuart MacBride

"Now I'm no' saying he's gay - I'm no' saying he's ho-mo-sexual - I'm saying he's a big Jesse.'

Beginning with dialogue is always a risky business. It'd better be something engaging as most people are not interested in listening in on strangers because listening in on random blabbering is never as much fun as it is to blabber. Overall, this line reveals a little about a character, but I'm really reaching for something nice to say when I say this. Even though this is not gay-bashing per say, it is somewhat tired, overused and worn out. It just doesn't have the conflict punch it once had in the 1950's.

Then the next character says:

"Not this again..."

Then we get some epic purple prosy descriptive writing, the kind writers write when they were in high school and think they are in love for the first time. I'm speculating, but this is the kind of writing that might be the result of love coupled with teenage angst or of overactive hormones and lack of experience, or a combination of all of the above if it's really bad. This is really bad. We are still on page 1. Take a look:

A crescent moon makes a scar in the clouds, glowering down at them as Kevin picks his way through the frost-crisped grass, breath streaming out behind him. Nipples like little points of fire. Fingers aching where they stick out past the end of his sleeve, wrapped around the torch. The legs of his glasses cold against his temples.

Looks like someone is making a run for the Man Booker! There's more, but you get the idea.

Kevin might want to get those obtrusive man-nipples examined, and perhaps surgically removed. The disembodied body mimicking subjects of sentences sounds pretentious, acting as if they have minds of their own: breath streaming, nipples pointing, fingers aching, legs cold - well that last one maybe not; they're not human legs anyway, only optometric legs. This prosy stinks about as bad as those stale air fresheners in twenty-year-old cars driven on a rainy day by overweight, sweaty men with gastronomic problems.

I hope this author is merely trying to impress an assistant editor with an overwritten opening, because I don't think I could stomach 500+ pages of this crapola.

Verdict: Epic Fail

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

The Pigeon Pie Mystery by Julia Stuart

Chapter 1
An Elephant, a Funeral, and More Bad News

As the hail bounced on the carriage roof, Mink suddenly wondered whether she ought to buy mourning knickers.

So begins the opening line of chapter 1 after the table of contents, cast of characters and a well-drawn map.

Three words in and we have weather. The only reason it would be necessary to mention the hail is if it's because the hail made Mink wonder about knickers. Personally, I don't see the connection between hail and knickers. Of course, some people will undoubtedly be turned on by the mention of knickers in the opening line, so by all means rush out and buy this one.

The fact that they are mourning knickers foreshadows a death, which usually incites conflict in a story, but we understood there would be a death anyway from the title of chapter 1. I like when opening line and title work together but in this case opening line and chapter 1 heading sort of cancel each other out, at least as far as a plot point goes. In fact, the best thing about this opening is the title given to chapter 1. The title of the book is all right too, as it contains the word mystery.

What follows on page 1 is some description of the setting.

First thing said:

"Ratakins is the name, ma'am."

Verdict: Pass (barely)

This achieves a 50/50 pass for the interesting foreshadowing of mourning knickers. If the weather had been left until later rather than having it lead the opening, this might have scored higher - as it is well written. Well, actually probably wouldn't have scored higher; in the first few pages, besides brooding over a funeral and the death of a father, there isn't much else happening.

Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht

Prayer by Philip Kerr

Prologue
St. Andrew's Cathedral,
Glasgow, Scotland
April 5, 1988

It was a bright cold day, but as if it were midsummer, I had given up my usual gray clothes of lambswool and thick flannel, and had been dressed for innocence in white cotton like all of the other children in the cathedral.

I don't know about you, but this does not hook me. Maybe the tediousness of typing it out had something to do with putting me off. It opens with weather and is actually worse than: It was a dark and stormy night... Succumbing to an explanation of what a character is wearing is a natural and non-creative way of complementing the weather motif. The only story worthy information given is that this opens in a cathedral.

What follows in the next paragraph is a bit of plot in the form of foreshadowing: This narrator is trembling because there was a mortal sin in the heart - or so imagined. We must read on to find out which. Unfortunately, the next paragraph describes the cathedral, and I start to lose interest, as the scene that is supposed to be taking form is stalling.

As well, that last comma is a mistake as what follows "and" is part of a compound predicate and not the beginning of a fresh independent clause.

Chapter 1:

From the outside, the Cathedral of the Sacred Heart resembled a prison.

This opening line, while not very promising, is an improvement over the opening line in the prologue. We get a setting of a church that is compared to a prison. The first paragraph goes on to describe the setting. The paragraphs are long and thick on page 1, as they are for most of the prologue, with little dialogue and lots of back story, indicating from the get-go the pace one should expect throughout the rest of this novel.

First thing said:

"You do it like this, Giles."

This is back story talk, what someone had said once upon a time. At least we know the narrator's name now, not that I particularly cared. Although, if  the name had been something unusual like Uranus, then I would care more.

Verdict: Fail

Overall, I must say I'm disappointed. I love reading the Berlin Noir series. However, I can't say I'm surprised, as most of the Bernie Gunther books do not have remarkable opening sentences either. I've picked up Dark Matter, also by this author, several times but can't get past chapter 1.

In my mind, what separates great writers from very great writers is the treatment of the opening. After all, once a book gains momentum 50 pages in or whatever, most stories become enjoyable to the end, once the reader is finally hooked and sympathizing with the characters. This is why we stress that our reviews are not necessarily a reflection of the work as whole. However, what separates a good book from an awesome book is the beginning. Only the best of the best begin well, continue well, and end well. That kind of writer is a rare breed - and after gleaning the best seller lists, it seems they are an endangered species.

Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht

London by Edward Rutherfurd

Many times since the Earth was young, the place had lain under the sea.

There's a preface, but I skipped that. This is the opening line of chapter 1.

So, this opening begins with setting, in point of fact, it begins with the beginning of setting, the creation of setting - in short - geology. It's nice that the author does this, as it warns me what to expect. There is no way I will keep reading this mammoth book that begins with the geological history of the setting of a story. By beginning at the beginning of time this could be nothing more than an epic epic.

On a positive note, as this novel is titled London, we can infer that the city itself will be treated as a character in itself. So in a sense this novel begins like David Copperfield, only with a place and not with a person. It's the ultimate back story dump.

The next paragraph goes on to explain how England was formed four hundred million years ago, moving along to the ice age, to the Roman Empire etc.

On page four, after we get the gist of the first four hundred million years, we are introduced to a boy.

First thing said:

"You needn't worry."

Overall, the beginning looks like a well re-imagined history of London and people who like history and time travel should be turned on by this.

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird