Gifted and Talented by Wendy Holden

Isabel stared out of the train window.

In this opening line there is nothing but a name and a window. No conflict here, it's not even dramatic. It is not special, odd, or out of the ordinary. So this line is an epic fail and will hook no one except people called Isabel and window cleaners - and that's being optimistic or even naive. The next line:

The English fields flashed by, sometimes with cows in, sometimes sheep, sometimes nothing but a couple of troughs or an oak tree with russet-leaved branches.

This line is setting and contains errors in parallel structure. The cows are in what? And why aren't the sheep in too? Then the final paragraph of this spectacularly boring paragraph:

Beneath the surface of the fields the ancient plough and furrow pattern rippled like the sea.

How can plough patterns be beneath the surface of a field? Are they not what would define the surface of the field, or am I missing something?

The first sentence of the second paragraph:

Isabel glanced at the man and woman opposite.

Opposite what, the field? The cows? Or could it be that they are opposite her? Readers will need to rely more on their brains and powers of inference to figure out what is going on rather than on the writer's writing abilities. There are many more examples of poor sentence structure in this work that would get a C or D in any middle school program.

Emotion is expressed, funnily enough by characters blinking hard. They do a lot of hard blinking.

First thing said:

"Every room's got central heating and there's a laundry and kitchen at the end of every corridor."

As this is a romance novel, proper syntax and clarity is obviously not necessary when it comes to expressing the flavors of the heart.

Verdict: Epic Fail

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maude Montgomery

Mrs. Rachel Lynde lived just where the Avonlea main road dipped down into a little hollow, fringed with alders and ladies' eardrops and traversed by a brook that had its source away back in the woods of the old Cuthbert place; it was reputed to be an intricate, headlong brook in its earlier course through those woods, with dark secrets of pool and cascade; but by the time it reached Lynde's Hollow it was a quiet, well-conducted little stream, for not even a brook could run past Mrs. Rachel Lynde's door without due regard for decency and decorum; it probably was conscious that Mrs. Rachel was sitting at her window, keeping a sharp eye on everything that passed, from brooks and children up, and that if she noticed anything odd or out of place she would never rest until she had ferreted out the whys and wherefores thereof.

This was written in the days when the where the story is happening was more important than what is happening. However, all is not as it seems with this opening that begins with setting. At first glance, the setting may be regraded as a drawback with its overdose of semicolons, but there is some nicely written prose here. More importantly, this opening takes advantage of the setting to introduce and establish the character of Mrs. Lynde,which is not a technique one reads every day.

The opening line begins idyllically enough until the stream reaches Mrs. Lynde's house. I like how the stream and perhaps all of nature, must behave according to Mrs. Lynde's sensibilities with due regard for decency and decorum. Adding that the stream must be conscious of where Mrs. Lynde is as she is a gossip and busybody. By making the river a character that is perhaps afraid of Mrs. Lynde, tone is established, subtly hyperbolic, much like one might find in a Harry Potter novel.

Right away we are made aware of the stark contrast between character and setting. The beautiful countryside of Prince Edward Island amidst the strictness of the Victorian age; this motif continues throughout the opening pages.

So, in this long sentence that sort of cheats with all the semicolons, we get some foreshadowing of conflict in that Mrs. Lynde is not the kind of person one can have much fun with and any child that comes in contact with her or those of her kind will suffer. Indeed, the next few pages are written, it seems, with only one purpose in mind: to drive the fear of Mrs. Lynde and perhaps adults in general into the hearts and minds of readers.

First thing said:

"I'll just step over to Green Gables after tea and find out from Marilla where he's gone and why."

So says Mrs. Lynde.

When Mrs. Lynde learns that Marilla's husband has gone to pick up an orphan to work on the farm, Mrs. Lynde expresses her fear of orphan children. Enter Anne.

Verdict: Pass

Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht

Oath Bound by Rachel Vincent

I've never been very good with the word no.

This person is obviously not Canadian.

This first-person, singular, personal pronoun explains that it has trouble saying no and hearing no. As gripping as this little psychological sketch is, one can't help but think that its hidden purpose is to provide an easy transition to a scene - that this first-person, singular, personal pronoun is at a gate and has been refused entry. The pronoun's desire to pound in the guard's teeth further reveals character, in this case, the aggressive nature, illogical desires that defines us as humans. Of course, we tell ourselves that such violent thoughts and deeds are the exception - aren't really us - and that we are really fun-loving and angelically spiritual beings with souls that commune in the higher dimensions of pure reality and selfless love. When the world conspires against us, we have good reason to get pissed off, because we deserve so much better than what this measly world is offering.

However, this first-person, singular, personal pronoun overcomes the desire to beat someone up and takes a breath and counts to ten and tries again. But anger management fails and the pronoun must resort to violence just like Spiderman does here.

As soon as she's done kicking some butt, she realizes she is mistaken! She used the wrong name (you silly girl) when introducing herself. Oh, well, that's life. Too bad the guard has a broken nose, bloodied face, and a concussion, but, well, it's the mistakes that make all of us human. It's all part of the evolutionary process, so no need to apologize. Though after a closer reading of the text, I can't help but think she wanted to kick some butt as she says she had waited until there was only one guard before she introduced herself at the gate to avoid the snag of a second guard shooting her. Why would she wait for a guard to take a break when she was sure she didn't need an appointment and that these people would see her - unless she wanted to beat someone up? We may never know the answer as it got sucked into a plot hole the size of Rick Ross's toilet bowl.

A few pages later we start to learn why this pronoun is trying to meet someone, but not before we get some more violent back story of this character punching someone in the nose in kindergarten. The narrator goes on to say that in retrospect she overreacted, which suggests this person never learns, as the guard will gladly testify to.

Whoever this character is, they are annoyingly aggressive, pushing past or beating up every character in the opening pages, behavior that looks irrational, almost cartoonish and even garish. I personally don't believe it and without the believability factor, I can't get hooked. Plus, with such a character, I don't want to care. She sounds like a spoiled rotten child who is in desperate need of some spank therapy.

First thing said:

"Let's try this again."

The narrator is talking to herself.

I can't read past the first several pages. If anyone has read more and can verify that this annoying character is killed by page 8-9, let me know in the comments section, in which case, I will rush out, grab this book, gladly read on and savor her demise so as to redeem my faith in the human race.

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

Black Lies, Red Blood by Kjell Eriksson

"You're different," said Ann Lindell.

This opening line is a perfect example of why it is not a good idea to begin with dialogue. Who is this person who is different? We don't know. We don't know how they were before, so the author, in order to answer this question this opening raises, will be forced to go into, alas, back story to explain it, which is to say, he's already digging a black plot hole right on page 1.

Then we get character description that fills up the rest of page 1. Andres Brant has trembling eyelids, he's not a powerful man and his face was thin and lacked strong lines, just to paraphrase some of the opening sentences of paragraphs on page 1.

Then we learn that the change has to do with the two having fallen in love, or thereabouts. Even though we are spared a massive back story dump, there is enough here to stall the forward narrative.

There really isn't much else to say about this opening, it yawns for itself. This author really has no idea how to begin a novel with a hook, as evidenced in this one and the previous book by him we reviewed. He needs to attend our exclusive 10,000,456.36 dollar HMB course.

On a positive note, the last book reviewed was an epic 1-star fail, whereas this one is a 1.5 fail, so he is, in a sense, improving.

As a bonus we have a title that is descriptively bland, as well.

Verdict: Yawn

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

Top Secret Twenty-One by Janet Evanovich

I was perched on a barstool in a dark, noisy,overpriced restaurant in Princeton, New Jersey.

So what should come next? Why is this person perched in a dark, noisy,overpriced restaurant? Who is perched in a dark, noisy,overpriced restaurant? Perhaps introduce conflict? We don't need conclusions that would ruin or give away the rest of the story, just some reason to care that someone is perched on a barstool. Instead we get:

I was wearing a red dress that was too tight, too short, and cut way too low.

As this novel is part of a series I assume this has some significance that only those familiar with the series will understand. If not, it is a mere cliched fashion statement, objectifying and demeaning women. In any case its esoteric symbolism is lost on a newbie. The first paragraph ends with:

And I was wearing an earbud that connected me to a guy named Ricardo...

This is the first hint of conflict and a reason to care: someone is about to go down, suggesting that this pronoun is undercover or on a stakeout. Ending the paragraph with something important is fine and is a sign of good paragraph writing, but as this is the opening, the opening sentence should have the spotlight, not the end. It is the only paragraph in a story where the emphatic emphasis rule of writing (end strong) doesn't apply.

Then we get the Hardy Boys' backs story/marketing plug that begins with:

My name is Stephanie Plum.

Not long after we get some explanation regarding the situation. She is helping Ricardo stalk an untouchable and bring him in by sipping a drink, which needs explaining all in itself. The writer or narrator obviously doesn't trust that everyone knows the ins and outs of Sambuca.

First thing said:

"The room is clean."

Despite a little dilly-dallying to establish the tone - that working girl with attitude chick-lit tone, a scene unfolds with a little conflict, as an arrest is made. But it's not a really interesting scene, for once you've read one arrest, you've read them all. In fact, there are only a couple ways an arrest can go down - peacefully or violently. Neither are really that interesting to read about. They are fun to watch live though, film and post to YouTube.

Once the arrest is made, the plot dissipates as Stephanie goes back to her drink and wallows in the advances of Ricardo (no need for a description of Ree-CAAAAAR-Do; the name says it all.), as this turns into one of those romances, filled with melodrama, sentiment, corniness and innuendo before finishing up with a sort of twisted and satisfied sexual frustration that only White America is capable of.

So this opening has no mystery or puzzle or reason to care for the characters. Of course, as this is part of a series, the author assumes her fans are already hooked. That is all well and fine, but how to get new readers interested in a book, or in its series? If there is no hook that makes each novel stand out on a bookshelf in a store, can one rely on the byline hook to pull in new readers? I suspect so. It's the byline that sells, not the quality of the work. In a hundred years or even less, this junk will not be read - assuming the Theory of Evolution is not a theory. The only reason it's read now is that it's riding a marketing wave. With a byline and title inundating the market, powered by a nuclear PR engine, some poor saps will succumb and buy out of curiosity, some will buy out of habit because they lack the will to try something different, and some will buy because they are mindlessly addicted to the series, like people who can't stop scratching skin infected with ringworm or picking their nose. That is to say, as horrible as it is, it's kind of pleasant.

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Rudy Globird

The Baklava Club by Jason Goodwin

The man lives, or the man dies.

This is the question. Simple, suggestive not to mention brief, and we all know brevity is the soul of the hook. The next line:

It is a matter of the weather.

This must mean the weather plays a role in the conflict, like a tornado, a hurricane, or a snowstorm. If it doesn't then this would have to be the stupidest mention of weather ever. The next paragraph begins thus:

Tonight he will live: because the sea is smooth like watered silk beneath a crescent moon, the ship's wake fanning out like a tear.

I'm picturing the guy is hanging for dear life to a toaster oven in the middle of the ocean. But that doesn't make much sense, as a little later on we learn that there is an assassin on a ship picking the right moment to kill. The scene hooks as we watch the assassin watch the victim watch the sea from a railing and the assassin thinking how easy it would be to bash in the vic's head and flip him overboard. However, the "committee" wants this guy to disappear so the assassin decides to wait for a wind and the noise of the sea to drown out any annoying noises the victim might make to being killed as most people, after all, are too stupid to go quietly.

Chapter 1 is one page and as there are no long descriptive paragraphs, no back story or poetic musings this looks like it's to going to be a nicely paced novel.

First thing said:

"Good morning, Martha."

This comes at the beginning of chapter 2. Opening dialogue with polite banter is inauspicious, especially as this scene offers no immediate conflict, just someone showing up at some place looking for someone before the narrative takes a 180 nosedive into back story about the place. The great hook in chapter 1, which reads more like a prologue, as chapter 2 is with different people in a different place, disintegrates.

Verdict: Pass

Chapter 1 hooks; chapter 2 unhooks.

Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht

The Silkworm by Robert Galbraith

"Someone bloody famous," said the hoarse voice on the end of the line, "better've died, Strike."

Opening with dialogue puts an opening at risk of not hooking. The example above is a good example of how dialogue fails to hook.

This conversation begins because someone is upset that someone else (who is unshaven) is calling early in the morning. It's mostly incidental banter. There's lots of swearing on page 1 too, as if the Potter creator is trying to cleanse herself of wholesome writing. The swearing doesn't stop there either; it's as if someone is either paid extra to write swear words or the characters are really stupid. In real life people swear, but those who do it in every sentence and so aggressively are the ones most people like to avoid, unless these swearers are at a bar or getting shot at in some distant land. It just sounds forced, shallow and unnatural. I want to avoid unimaginative characters who swear as much as I want to avoid unimaginative real people.

Page 2 is mostly of the descriptive variety with walking as the characters get up and walk to converge on the first plot point. The description describes pointless things like a street and a cafe, broken up with some urination before describing Strike. He is dark and large with a grimy jaw and is bruised. By the sounds of it, this guy's name could be Stanley, but because he's been beaten up in that manly attractive way, he might be hallucinating into thinking he's called Strike, as in strike me.

I'm sorry, I like the other books by this author but the Robert Galbraith trademark stuff is not as good. I couldn't finish the last one and have no interest in this one, and that's saying a lot for someone who loves to read and write mysteries. Page 1 does not excite me so I dare not invest time in the other 400+ pages.

Verdict: Fail

Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht