Dusk was falling on the Corpse Bridge by the time Jason Shaw reached the river.
The rest of the paragraph is about weather coupled with the problem that this person is going to be late. The only interesting thing about this paragraph is the name Corpse Bridge. But that isn't enough to pull me in; after all, it is the title of the novel, so the name of the bridge comes as no surprise. I like the title; it's effective and would work better in conjunction with the opening line to maximize the hook. Repeating the title in the opening line reads like a wasted opportunity, a redundancy.
Oh, and the fact that it is Halloween doesn't hook. Why should it? Nothing disturbing or evil ever happens on Halloween.
The second paragraph begins with more weather:
Jason had come out unprepared for the downpour.
This makes it seem like the biggest problem in the beginning, what one might call the inciting event, is the rainy weather.
Then Jason sees a person running on the other side of the bridge and that's it - the narrative is interrupted with a break and POV switch to two different characters on page 3.
First thing said:
"It was definitely you."
Verdict: Fail
Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht
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