Not bad, but it begins with an empty pronoun. Who is he? Why should I care? Thousands of people are experiencing the last day of their lives every day, so what makes this one special? I read on to find out who "he" is but the writer won't bloody well tell me! It's like a symphony of pronouns. What's worse this beginning is a little too long winded for my taste.
He was an old man...
...he honestly entertained...he would never break down...
He'd recently taken to riding a horse...
He rode a leggy black Tennessee walker...
He owned the sandy and chalky soil...
He owned the water...
...he was a man who'd always owned big things...
No context. Pronouns will do that every time. The pronoun motif goes on and on; after all, it is an easy word to spell. Of course one could argue, that at this stage it doesn't matter who this person is - just another murder victim, another statistic.
First thing said:
"Oh, come on."
Nevertheless the opening line does hook in its own little way. We keep reading, hoping this he-man will bite the bullet, and we aren't disappointed. Chapter one ends with the Man With No Name getting shot, destroying his iPod in the process. But by this point, I'm not interested. Just the beginning of another mystery which fails to stand out.
Verdict: Fail
Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht
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