He was already awake.
He's in bed. He hears something, a whimpering, a shout.
He was Johnny.
Except he's not. What follows is back story and other "fun" trivia facts about Mr. Pronoun alias Johnny. After a couple pages it's revealed that Mr. Pronoun is in a prison. But the short of it is: this prologie dies.
The writing on the first page stumbles a bit as the forward narrative is constantly interrupted to provide context, but only serves to slow things down. Other than that, the writing is fine and the forward narrative manages to draw one in.
Chapter 1:
He was sitting on the bed and the girl, in front of him, knelt on the floor.
So Mr. Pronoun is in bed, presumably a different bed (and a different Mr. Pronoun) from the one showcased in the prologue. As the pages unravel, the forward narrative is constantly interrupted, and conflicts that hook have a hard time breaking through. Also, I wouldn't use commas to offset in front of him, but that's just me.
First thing said:
"Don't let them see your fear or they'll have won."
How many times have you heard this cliche?
Verdict: Pass (barely)
Sincerely,
Theodore Moracht
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